It’s Friday. I have had a rather overwhelming morning of tears, feeling rubbish about myself and how rubbish I am as a mum. What triggered it? Well I woke up to a snap video from a friend who commented on my snap post from the previous night. These post were showing typical toddler behaviour displayed by my son and daughter and what they were getting up to. I do this from time to time, partly as a way to show what life with little one’s is really like daily, but also to add a bit of humour to the situation, otherwise I would literally be pulling my hair out. Well this friend basically told me that I was complaining too much about my children and that I could be coming across to some as a parent who doesn’t know how to ‘manage’ her children.
What do you say to that? How are you supposed to feel? I certainly felt like crap almost instantly and then the tears started to roll. I started questioning my parenting skills, my actions as a mother and whether I was even fit to be a mum. Hearing that feedback was very unexpected, tough and brought back those feeling I have been trying so hard to overcome. Feelings of worthlessness, not being good enough for your children, always second guessing yourself, wanting to be alone, away from your children, wishing you could stay in bed all day and do absolutely nothing. All those postnatal feelings I had when my daughter was a little baby.
Now I have not been openly diagnosed with postnatal depression, but I have really gone through the motions of it and it has affected me for a large part of this year and a half. I have spoken to my doctors, spoken to counsellors and even been told to make a self referral for counselling and therapy. I did what I was advised. I even made the self referral. After the first telephone call, I was told I would be sent an email to set up some sessions. I never heard from them again.
While waiting for that email I decided that I needed to take matters into my own hands. Make a bigger effort to change my moods and feelings and see my world in a more positive light. With a little persistence and determination it worked. I started to look after myself again, taking time out for myself and making more of an effort to have fun days with the children. Things were going ok. I also tried to venture out and look at how I could start my dream of having my own mobile business. I felt positive, I felt good, I felt happy. Life does get in the way though and I realised how difficult it would be to start the type of business I had in mind with 2 children under 4. I was struggling to make it work, but it wasn’t happening like I had hoped. My children were becoming more demanding and I just couldn’t keep up.
I started to feel like I was spiralling downward again. I wasn’t as in control as before. I was just managing day to day. Then this video came through and everything just crashed. Will these feelings ever just go away? I don’t know. When they come, sometimes they seep through little by little, sometimes they come on full force like a big wave. Having the tools to work through it does help, but it doesn’t stop you going through the motions and feeling that can make you feel so low. It’s not a pity party or about feeling sorry for myself. They are feelings that go deep beyond what most experience and take more than a cheerful word to overcome.
I know I need to make a new referral and most likely see my doctor again. I know I need to get back on track again and being happy and healthy again. But for now it looks like that wave want me to ride it. I won’t give in. Not this time.
Does postnatal depression ever go away? ………Maybe.
Until next time,
Ohemaa Beauty xoxo